“It ended up just being me, the Grindr guy, and his very attractive friend.”
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This week’s interview centers my friend, “Whorechata, ” who kept it short and entertaining. Just as fun as his pseudo-name and introduction picture, Whorechata is a vibrant nature enthusiast, who strives to open his own social plant shop. Whorechata shares a little of his personality by exposing his “homophobic republican ass teacher” who would not let him run for prom queen. According to his teacher, only girls can dream of receiving a tiara on prom night. Nonetheless, Whorechata, as salty as he still is about his high school experience, goes on to share his personal growth. Amongst discussing his queer self-acceptance, he acknowledged key challenges of the relentless system that excluded proper LGBTQIA+ sex ed. Thankfully, Whorechata was able to self-educate with the help of something most of us queer folk use when seeking inclusive sex ed– the internet. Furthermore, he advises that self-comfort be a priority while also giving us a little insight on how far he’s cum in his process of living his best gay life.
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How do you define your sexuality and gender? How did you come to define your sexuality? How did you come to define your gender?
I’m just a gay, cis-male. In middle school, I realized I found other guys attractive. I don’t know how to answer besides I just know.
What did your virginity mean to you, if anything?
It didn’t really mean much to me. I just had a hookup as my first sexual experience.
Is there anything you do that you feel is different from the norm?
I don’t really prefer anal sex. Which I guess isn’t really weird, but it’s different in the norm in the gay community. Especially with being expected to be either a top or a bottom.
How do you care for yourself whether before, during, or after sex?
Before sex, I shower and do some prep work so I can smell nice and be appealing to my partner. In turn, it increases my self-confidence.
During, I make sure the other person is enjoying it, and make sure I voice what I like too.
Were you influenced by family, religion, or other things that limited your sexuality, gender, or expression of sex?
I wasn’t really influenced by my family or religion in regard to repressing my sexuality and expression of it. I chastised myself because I was afraid of getting judged by my peers. Throughout high school, there weren’t any other gay kids. I remember, in PE class, my freshman year of high school, one of the football players and his friend came up to me asking if I was gay. They put me on the spot. That experience just reaffirmed my fear of the judgment I would face if openly gay. As for my family situation, it was basically a “don’t ask don’t tell” agreement. My parents never ask about my romantic life.
What is an interesting sexual experience you’ve had whether alone or not, that you’d like to talk about?
The wildest thing I did happened when I was studying abroad in Norway. When I got to the Airbnb I decided to lay down and charge my phone before heading out. I hopped on Grindr and this guy hit me up almost immediately. He was at a pub nearby and asked if I wanted to get drinks with him and his friends. I was like hell yeah; I get to meet the locals!
I went over and met up with them but when I went to order a drink, they asked to see my ID and proceeded to explain that they stopped serving alcohol to people under 20 at 6 pm. I told the guys that we went to a different bar. The Grindr guy ended up getting us shots that were like 60% proof. His 2 friends were asking me about America and what I was doing in Europe, and then a little bit later another very attractive friend showed up catching my attention. We all talked and then the 2 original friends excused themselves. It ended up just being me, the Grindr guy, and his very attractive friend.
At this point, I had like 2 of those strong ass shots and like 4 pints of beer. I was FEELING IT. So, the Grindr guy invites us over to his place to hang out. Were in his kitchen and he asked if I wanted a cookie. I had hella drunchies and so I had one. We talked for a bit and I noticed I felt something change. I felt weird and ended up realizing the cookie was an edible. He offered to have us sit in his room and when we got there, he introduced me to his “no clothing rules.”
And that’s how I was in a three-way with two Norwegian guys.
There’s also a part 2 to this story. A few years later I went back to Norway to visit a different friend I made there. It was Independence Day, so I walked around town and ended up running into the guys again and relived the experience.
Have you ever had sex for items, money, etc?
Yes. I did it for fun though. I thought it’d be a cool story to tell later.
Is there any advice you’d give to others?
I’d say do what’s comfortable, don’t feel like you need to do something you aren’t comfortable with just because you want to please your partner. Sex is about pleasure for both parties
What do you wish you knew more about sex?
That for anal sex it’s not like in porn where the top just sticks it in, and everything is good to go. In reality, you have to stretch otherwise it really hurts.
What is one thing you wish you’d known sooner?
In high school, I shouldn’t have given a fuck and lived my best gay life.
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A common theme discussed in the last two interviews has been a lack of LGBTQIA+ inclusive sex education and non-abstinence sex-education. At fault for this insufficient education are the systems in place which prioritize hetero-normality. This normality, or prioritizing of straight, white, cis, and abled body, sex drastically affects those who are excluded from these categories. The need for LGBTQIA+ sex-ed has always been silenced, but struggles told by the very voices affected, demonstrates the necessity for this topic.
So why do we need a more inclusive version of sex education? Let’s break it down:
Abstinence focused sex-ed leads to avoidance, fear, and internalized struggles. By focusing on avoidance of sex, teens often get discouraged to ask questions in an educational setting. With half of national STD’s cases occurring in young people ages 15-24, we can see that this avoidance around the topic of sex does more harm than good (CDC). Abstinence only education has failed in delaying teens from having sex or reducing teen pregnancy, but one thing it has done is increase the risk of misinformation (Advocates). This misinformation produced by abstinence-only programs, is usually seen in how the programs “distort information about the effectiveness of contraceptives, misrepresent the risks of abortion, blur religion and science, treat gender stereotypes as scientific fact, and contain basic scientific errors”(2004 Government Reform Committee). With 37 states requiring some form of abstinence teaching, it is clear that the danger of misinformation will continue to affect not only straight youth, but especially LGBTQIA+ youth( Journal of Adolescent Health).
A big part of abstinence-based teaching is the idea that virginity and purity should be preserved. What this teaching fails to highlight is that virginity is a social construct made in part to control women and allow families to capitalize on marrying their “pure” daughters off. Although capitalizing on the purity of one’s daughter has been discarded in most cultures, I still found it relevant to ask what virginity meant to each interviewee. With interviewing a diverse group of individuals, it can be seen they all hold differentiating opinions on virginity. Each valid and respectable for themselves. The main point of this virginity question is one I feel the need to address. The point being, that although virginity may mean something to one person and nothing to another, each self-definition should be respected. Never should we judge, or impose our own views on others, and we shouldn’t require everyone to see virginity in the same light. The reason for addressing this is mainly to emphasize that sex is versatile, ever changing, and definitely not heteronormative. Even as a construct, virginity, and the greater topic of sex hold weight in our society.
Trying to navigate non-inclusive sex ed as a kid while being LGBTQIA+ can lead to self-shame and alienation. Shame is not a motivating factor to be safe– it has been proven to do otherwise. Kids will experiment unsafely, and this can put them in non-consensual or dangerous positions. Everyone goes through puberty, masturbates, and feels some level of shame around such topics, but excluding necessary information shouldn’t be reinforced systematically.
LGBTQIA+ exclusionary sex education, “others” students who may already be struggling with their identity. Not only will this form of exclusion lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, it also excludes several forms of sex experienced by all identities (i.e. oral, anal, fingering, self-pleasure, use of sex toys, etc.). The singular definition of sex being limited to penetrative vagina -penis sex, teaches sex as heteronormative and restricts individuals opportunities to redefine or re identify their sexuality. This is especially troubling for trans kids, given that not all women have vaginas and not all men have penises. The biological institutions of sex and gender in heteronormative sex education, leads to confusion about sex and gender being societal constructs too.
With so much confusion LGBTQIA+ kids or teens will feel the need to refrain from asking questions, or even attempt to go to sources that are not safe or educational. Sex ed. is supposed to provide information on how to be safe and stay healthy yet with no teaching on dental dams, douching, proper use of condoms, or pleasure vs reproduction, health and safety are disregarded. With inclusive sex education everyone can define what sex means, looks like, and feels like to them, creating less problems and more openness in conversations on sex.
Let’s be honest, reaching out to the internet for sex advice as a minor is not always the safest route. Everyone should be allowed to express their sexuality freely while knowing the ins and outs of being safe. Excluding whole groups of people or excluding necessary information is dangerous and can often erase the necessary information (i.e. consent). Along with not having adequate safe sex info, LGBTQIA+ youth can experience higher levels of STDs, UTIs, and other diseases. With 48% of trans youth having attempted suicide under the age of 26, and 59% of youth regularly self-harming, it is given that we need to provide better and safer information (Trevor Project and The Guardian). There should be an emphasis on doing what feels right for each individual, and that needs to include the LGBTQIA+ community.
Without the betterment of sex-ed, youth will most likely continue to face high levels of STD’s and UTI’s, self-harm, and suicide. Such inclusive information would eliminate confusion for all individuals seeking relevant information and they would have access to it without needing to fear stigmatization, bullying, or “othering” from peers or demeaning authority figures. We want to protect our youth; To do that we must teach them to be shame free, fear free, and educated on how to keep themselves, and their bodies healthy and safe.
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To learn more about inclusive sex education please see links below:
Prints, Webinars, and Other Resources Linked: HERE
Learn more about general sex ed: HERE
Here why we need LGBTQ+ education TEDx talk by youth, Grace James: HERE
Gay and Lesbian Sex- Ed Video: HERE
Why is Abstinence A Problem video: HERE